“When they’re little they sit on your lap; when they’re big they sit on your heart.” ~Susan Engel The New York Times, Published: November 28, 2012

Thinking about the connections of family and friendship should be easy, right?  I guess my husband and I were totally naive throughout our parenting years. As a young couple expecting our first child, we had all sorts of dreams, plans, and of course lofty ideals.  First and foremost was that our child would be healthy in body and mind. Counting fingers and toes was not paramount; having a child that would one day be able leave the nest and fly on its own with success and happiness was our hope. We had also envisioned being incorporated in our child’s adult life as a form of mentor, friend and support system. Not wanting to dictate how they should live their lives but to share our experiences as a practical guide.  With my husband’s ear to my swollen belly as our child grew stronger every day gave us a sense of being and determination to practice an honorable lifestyle so that our child would always be safe and would be able to face the cold cruel world with confidence. 

Several years after our first child was born, being still a young couple we were expecting again. With those same hopes and ideologies as with the first one, but this time with a stronger determination to be a life force in their existence. For we had developed a bond, a friendship was formed with the children and it was breathtaking.

Four years after the second child was born, to our surprise a third child was expected. By this time we were seasoned parents, proficient with diapering, feeding, cleaning and nurturing. We thought how wonderful, we were excited to add another to the mix. What we did not take into account while expecting the first child is by this time there would be a great deal of worries that went along with raising children. That worry was always rearing its ugly head as fevers, cuts, bumps, hurt feelings, insecurities, finances etc... came with guiding a child into adulthood.

As the children flourished into their own personalities, we were pleased at how they got along with each other, feeding off of each others strengths and weaknesses and becoming friends. We continued to live honorably; granted we were far from perfect with plenty of flaws and short comings, but what we continued to convey to the children is that they were loved, accepted and that home was a safe place where they had the freedom to be themselves.

Happily they all grew to their teen years healthy and strong, but most significant their own selves, with diverse interests and visions. As parents we guided them to pursue what their hearts’ desires were and doing our best to help them select a possible future.  With continual grooming them for adulthood, we were encouraged to anticipate them as our life-long friends; one day as not solely our children but our equals.

Well they are adults now ages 27, 25, and 21 all three married. Two are expecting children of their own, which is exciting. But reluctantly we confess we don’t feel that warm fuzzy feeling of friendship as we thought we would. Possibly we need to put more time between us we tell ourselves and cling to this so we are not yet disheartened. Families are merely for visiting is the message we are given, however we didn't get the memo and are rather stunned.

“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together…there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart…I’ll always be with you.” ~Winnie the Pooh


Reading to my children was a very special time for me. We would read as we snuggled in bed or somewhere comfy and whenever the time would allow. Usually it was done at bedtime. They would choose their favorite stories some I loved, however others I would groan and sigh for they must know them by heart as they were read to them so often. They learned the alphabet and numbers at story time from the stacks of hardcovers. They learned manners and how to be kind to others with Richard Scarry and Ezra Jack Keats. They learned problem solving and honesty with the Berenstain Bears. They know about perseverance and that nothing is impossible with Katy Caboose from Bill Peet’s crisp pages. I look back at how much fun and rewarding it was to be their Mom. How life seemed carefree and how privileged Chris and I were to have this brood. My husband Chris and I have raised our three children together as partners. We didn’t always agree nor have the same style of instruction when it came to the children. However we did agree we had this momentous task and we would be accountable to one another to carry it out together.

So that brings me to the subject on my mind that I have been chewing on for a while and I would like to express my thoughts with true sincerity.

Many have written or spoken tributes for the single Mom and the Mom raising special needs children. Always highly praised and applauded, these women are unquestionably worthy of these accolades. They go above and beyond, sacrificing self for their children’s significance. As many have declared, I too agree they do amazing, awesome and unbelievable jobs.

This is for all the Women who have raised their children with the same partner for over 30 years, have children that were born relatively healthy, excelled in school, graduated, possibly went to college or got married. She might feel a bit misplaced. Maybe she feels a little self-conscious that her children have developed into mature adults without major incidents during the 18-20 years in their parents care. Embarrassed perhaps? Embarrassed for what, you ask? According to our society she has been labeled as fortunate, “lucky” or led down the tranquil path. Easy as her life may appear I think she needs to be recognized even though she doesn’t ask to be or crave the affirmation.

A strong Woman is one who reluctantly releases her grip of the kindergartener’s hand as he gets swallowed up by the school bus that first day.

A Woman is strong when she sits in the bleachers at the basketball game to see her little one struggle to dribble the ball. She anticipates the tears she will be wiping away when her child is crushed because she was ostracized for not being a born athlete.

The laughter of adults sitting in the row in front of her, watching a school musical as her child shows his rhythm and enjoyment of the moment, not just standing like a stone as the rest of the children are. Their laughter wounds her but the Woman is stronger in spite of their ignorance.

She has to be a bit stronger when the innocence of 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th turns into 6th Grade. Strength needs to increase when adolescence generates secrets, distrust, frustration, hopelessness, conformity, bulling, cliques, lack of self-esteem,and many other maladies that she as a Mom is powerless to remedy. All she can do is make her home a safe place, hope they will surpass with minimal scarring and discover self-worth.

Broad shoulders appear at 8th grade graduation, for her heart’s burden will get heavier. She can’t succumb to self-pity when feeling so irrelevant by the ‘awareness’ and ‘enlightenment’ the high schoolers have attained. She tries to be on their level and thinks she’s ‘hip’ enough but to no avail. The responses are eye rolling with grimaced smiles and the inaudible retorts.

After high school graduation she fools herself into thinking she has them back, on the contrary, it’s just a brief reprieve. She becomes stout hearted when traveling to move him to college, he has become a man. The Woman’s heart struggles with a tug a war between swelling with pride and clenching with apprehension. Once he is settled she is finally traveling back home, her mask comes off, she releases the tears and exposes her heartache. But she remains strong.

The Woman relies on her strength as she watches the bride breeze into the reception to dance with her new husband. She is reminiscing of when the bride was small she held her close on her lap, stroking her hair, softly singing and being the most important person in the world at that time.

Her strength is tested when he boards a plane heading to basic military training on the opposite side of the country. He is so young and enthusiastic about his goals, she smiles at him with support but her apprehension has made her knees weak.

One by one her children leave to pursue their dreams and become all that she can hope for. She has no regrets in the time invested in them, in their desires and interests as that’s what has shaped them. She has devoted her time, her heart, and her soul in them. However the Woman is no longer the center of their universe.

Once upon a time she was a diamond in the rough, insecure, rough around the edges, clumsy, and a bit dull. She has been transformed by years of refinement. The Woman is independent, yet dependent on the love of her family, her radiance can only be admired in a setting that is suited for her alone. Like a an exquisite diamond, she has many facets, beaming with clarity, poised and above all a Strong Woman.

Why Your Nest Doesn't Feel Right

Why Your Nest Doesn't Feel Right - #6219

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A Word With You - Your Mission
Thursday, November 11, 2010
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Recently, a friend of mine had a ringside seat on a family of birds. They actually decided to nest under the roof on the porch. The fun part was watching the birth and development of those baby birds. My friend actually got to see them hatching out and then settling down into their nest. They all fit very nicely in there - at first. See, Mama kept filling their open mouths with more and more food, and the little birdies didn't stay little! They grew and the nest seemed to shrink. As it got more and more crowded, each baby did more and more wiggling around to kind of keep his position in the nest. Then they feathered out and they forgot about all of them sitting in the nest ever again! They began to perch on the edges of the nest until they were pushed off the edge by their siblings in a battle for whatever food Mama brought. One by one, as crowding pushed those little birds to the edge - and then over the edge - they were forced to either fly or die. They decided to fly. The last nester stayed in the nest for actually another full week, being fed as an only child by Mama Bird. Finally, Mama must have gotten disgusted with her nest-addicted child. She quit feeding him. First, there was a lot of squawking and fussing, and then even he abandoned the nest to finally touch the sky.
I'm Ron Hutchcraft and I want to have A Word With You today about "Why Your Nest Doesn't Feel Right."
We all know what those baby birds have to discover - that they weren't made to just hunker down in their comfortable nest. Neither are we. Those birds are destined to leave where it's safe so they can finally fly, and so are we.
In fact, God uses an example just like this to describe His loving plan for our lives. It's in our word for today from the Word of God in Deuteronomy 32:10-11 . It says of a child of God, "He shielded him and cared for him; He guarded him as the apple of his eye, like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them on its pinions." The mother eagle actually removes all the cushioning in her nest, and that leaves her eaglets living on just the rocks and the sticks underneath that. Ultimately, the stirring of that nest leads to their willingness to leave the nest where they had been so comfortable and ultimately to take to the sky.
Maybe your nest isn't quite as comfy as it once was. Things are stirring - they're changing. In your environment and in your heart there's this gnawing restlessness that seems to say, "God's got more for you than this." He does, and He's making you restless for it because restlessness almost always precedes a great work of God. Your Lord is trying to move you into a new season of your life where you can make a far greater difference than you've ever made before.
But you'll miss it if you insist on staying where it's safe; financially safe, geographically safe, occupationally safe, where it's methodologically safe, socially safe. Abraham would never have discovered God's amazing plans for his life unless he was first willing to leave the safety and prosperity of a familiar and secure place. The disciples would have always been just another bunch of fishermen unless they had been willing to abandon the security of their career for the call of Jesus. Peter could have never known what it was to walk on water if he hadn't gotten out of the boat. Neither will you.
God has much more of Him that He wants you to experience, but it will only happen as you move beyond all your usual security blankets and abandon yourself to total trust in Him. He has so much more He wants to do with your life, but it is beyond your comfort zone.
Like those baby birds, you weren't created to just hunker down in a safe, secure little nest - a nest that's becoming increasingly unsatisfying. See, that's because you are destined to fly!

A New Song

The other morning was very emotional for Chris and myself. We were doing our daily devotions and this one hit home with both of our hearts. It talked about building memories with you kids especially laughter. That is something we had been able to do with them. We have had so much fun raising these 3 wonderful people. Comedy, practical jokes, just plain silliness had surrounded us all. Sure there was the serious times and the sad times. But with the tears there would always come the giggling at something amusing.
The text described Life without joy is like a bone out of joint, which doesn't function properly. We can do nothing well without joy.
The key verse is Psalm 40:3 - He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
A new song is what Chris and I are working on with God's grace. We are trying to develop a new identity apart from being parents of growing children. We sometimes feel like our skin doesn't fit anymore and as the study pointed out that without joy, we can do nothing. We would be like a violin out of tune, which yields nothing but harsh sounds.
"Laughter in the Walls" by Bob Benson captures the essence of spending time together in laughter as a family.

I pass a lot of houses on my way home—
some pretty,
some expensive,
some inviting—
but my heart always skips a beat
when I turn down the road
and see my house nestled against the hill.
I guess I'm especially proud
of the house and the way it looks because
I drew the plans myself.
It started out large enough for us—
I even had a study—
two teenaged boys now reside in there.
And it had a guest room—
my girl and nine dolls are permanent guests.
It had a small room Peg
had hoped would be her sewing room—
the boys swinging on the Dutch door
have claimed this room as their own.
So it really doesn't look right now
as if I'm much of an architect.
But it will get larger again—
one by one they will go away
to work,
to college,
to service,
to their own houses,
and then there will be room—
a guest room,
a study,
and a sewing room
for just the two of us.
But it won't be empty—
every comer,
every room,
every nick
in the coffee table
will be crowded with memories.
Memories of picnics,
parties, Christmases,
bedside vigils, summers,
fires, winters, going barefoot,
leaving for vacation, cats,
conversation, black eyes,
graduations, first dates,
ball games, arguments,
washing dishes, bicycles,
dogs, boat rides,
getting home from vacation,
meals, rabbits and
a thousand other things
that fill the lives
of those who would raise five.
And Peg and I will sit
quietly by the fire
and listen to the
laughter in the walls.

This touched me and made me thankful that the Lord gave our little family laughter and joy with each other. I feel blessed as there was very little turmoil in our home. We all enjoyed each other. I trust as our children become adults that this will hold true and be passed on.

Ben was the Trickster/Mastermind: Hiding under desks, behind doors, etc... jumping out at just the right time to make your heart stop. Torturing his little brother or recruiting his sister in some sort of adventure. He would make up songs that made us groan and snicker such as "Coventry Corners store" and "Going in Sane" songs we could never forget those words or tunes. I can remember when Chris would pretend to take his eyeball out and put it in his mouth, Ben's face was awestruck or when Chris would take his fork and fake that his tongue was stuck to it. That was too funny watching Ben cringe. Or when Ben didn't want to brush his teeth when he was about 3 or 4 so we had Grandpa show him what would happen if he didn't brush his teeth. Grandpa would take out his dentures and Ben would hold up his hands screaming "NO NO!" Ben sure learned alot from those times...good times.

Becky was the Comedian/Ham: Having a comment about anything "it's sticking out", "hey eye eye", she could really make your eyes roll. Once as a toddler we found her fast asleep with my bra on. In the grocery store there was a display of Leggs brand pantyhose when they were packaged in the egg shaped containers. Becky would stand posing with 2 of them pressed up against her chest. She would line all her dolls and stuffed toys on the couch sitting with them. Always wanting an audience!

Ethan was the Easy Mark: He was so serious as little boy that he became the victim of many of the jokes. Recording himself singing on a Talk-Boy which turned into screaming in horror because he saw a cricket and running away. Which all was recording for our listening pleasure. Being subject to Ben's finger guillotine was not fun for him but for all of us it was priceless. When he was insulted or angry he would stomp upstairs to his room and we would say, ..."wait for it..." and then SLAM went the door. He does have a great sense of humor now, slow to develop and very sutle that it sneaks up on you.

They had been visiting with their grandparents one summer and they were so bored. They inflated balloons and drew goofy faces on them with black marker. They took many many photos of these as in front of their faces in different poses. I snort out my laughter every time I look at those photos just thinking of the ingenuity of it all.

What do Chris and I hear in our walls? Giggles and laughter!

Flying Lessons with Fragile Hearts

Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she can have her young - a place near your altar, O Lord Almighty, my King and my God. Psalm 84:3

Most birds cannot fly until their muscle structure has had time to develop. In the meantime, the nest becomes their entire world. Baby birds are not responsible for food gathering or protection of the nest, so they generally develop a psychological dependence which must be overcome. Parent birds begin to teach their fledglings the importance of flying by remaining a short distance away from the nest during feeding. If the young birds are to survive, they must step away from the nest. Frequently, this means a few hard falls to the ground followed by a long trip back to the safety of the nest.

As my children venture out on their own I know their hearts are fragile. I pray and hope we have given them the examples to survive and start families of their own. The muscle structure of their trusting hearts still need time to develop. Our home became their entire world growing up. A place where everything they needed was provided. I can so relate to the paragraph above. It is amazing as I read this how ideal this would be for humans. I take pride in knowing that Chris and I tried to mirror this method with the Lord's help. When I was young everything was so uncertain. I felt I never had a safe nest. My parents were divorced when I was young and where we lived never felt like "home". Life was hard and somewhat unfriendly. When I graduated high school my mom urged me to leave. But not with the safety of the nest a short distance away. Not with a few hard falls to the ground and a trip back to the safety of the nest. Their was no nest to come back to! It was life or death out there. If I was a young bird I would have surely not survived. My mom claims that all this made me stronger. Stronger maybe, but very insecure, nontrusting, lack of self esteem, anxiety, obsessional thoughts and compulsiveness; all these neuroses was the cost. I am afraid to think what sort of mother I would have been if I had not had a relationship with Christ. I like to trust that my children know that our home is a safe place. Hopefully a place of rest and refreshment. Sometimes it will need to be a place to time out and to seek God's face. We have always encouraged the kids to venture out and express themselves. Short distances away with grandparents, with friends, youth group, school activities, learning to drive, getting part time jobs, honing their creativeness, talents, and passions - anything to be able to slowly learn to overcome their psychological dependence. Trying to teach them the importance of their independence.There have been a few hard falls to the ground but always trips back to the safety of home. Home where they can be themselves and to gain strength in their person.

All of this practice time, awkward as it may seem, does teach the fledgling about the mechanics of flight. Falls to the ground become more controlled as the young bird stretches out his or her wings. Short hops back to the nest become longer flights. Bird parents continue to encourage their brood to leave the nest for longer periods of time. Some species actually adopt a tough love policy, leaving the fledglings alone to develop their own flying instincts.

This seems to be how it is as our children develop learning skills, friendships, and the ability to reason through their school years. Learning the mechanics of living and trusting God. Their falls became more controlled or easier to handle as they stretched out their hearts, minds, and faith. Their disappointments, heartaches, and failures seemed to be handled by coming home to find that they are okay and lovable. This gave them more courage to continue to take new ventures. Having their own space was very helpful for them to develop the part of them that was different, their personalities.

After a few weeks of practice and imitation, young birds learn more advanced flying techniques - how to use the wind for lift, how to spot rising thermals and how to make controlled landings. Eventually, all of these elements become instinctive and young birds can start families of their own. The teaching process begins anew as these birds teach their own young how to fly.

Years of practice, prayer, and examples, our children are developing into confident adults with integrity, honesty, and good work ethics to name a few. Daring to handle their finances, how to act at the workplace, controlling their tempers and emotions. They are still learning and will always have the nest as a safe place to come to, gain strength and get advise. I trust all of this will be of worth as they start their own families.

For birds, flying is an incredibly taxing exercise. Some bird experts compare it to human jogging times ten. Fortunately, many birds have air sacs which act as auxiliary lungs. Each breath a bird takes is much more concentrated than an equivalent human breath. Birds also have very well-developed pectoral muscles for constant wing motion and an exceptionally strong heart for endurance. Hollow bones reduce drag and the natural curve of the wings creates significant lift. Most birds are literally swimming through the air, using the weight of the air beneath them to keep them aloft. (from wiseGEEK)

I pray my children will grow strong especially their hearts so they may have the endurance to fly like a bird.

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles; the will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

SWEET MAPLES

When I think of nests I think of trees. Trees hold nests and some are the nest like our large Maple Trees. We have these wonderful massive maples lined along our front side yard that reach to the hedgerow on the west. We see grackles, woodpeckers, Blue Jays, Black-Capped Chickadees, and nuthatches to name a few feeding from these maples and/or building nests in them. There are many large holes used as nests by these birds. When we moved in this house there were 8 of these monoliths. Over many years the trees had been tapped for sap to make delicious maple syrup. We had a neighbor who would tap these plus many others on ours and others' properties. We were grateful and delighted when he gave us a complimentary jug. As the years past he stopped tapping as his age, his mother's illness, and weather did not permit this hobby to continue consistently. He eventually sold his home and moved away. Not much longer after that we had the town cut down 3 of these monsters as they were dying and dropping large limbs often. Stumps are all that remain, however they do attract grass and weeds that periodically need a trim from the weed whacker. A storm that included strong winds would sway the remaining giants waking them from their slumber to toss limbs and bark at our yard and house. We would hold our breath praying that the two closest to our house would remain steady and toss their ammo away from us. Sometimes they would have javelin throwing contests. We would see the limbs standing up with the ends stuck in the soft ground.

This May a large Maple in the back decided to join in on this fun of limb tossing. However this large yet smaller maple (70 feet compared to the larger cousins of 80+ feet) was a little over zealous and tried to toss one of the largest limbs it had. Thus bending part of the chain link fence of the dog's pen and leaving a lot of wood to cut up and stack. Good for us with the supply of wood for our furnace but bad as this was a little time consuming and a bit back breaking as we weren't prepared to do this chore. Being that our sons are no longer readily available to help this posed some grumbling. We called the insurance company to alert them and see if we could get the fence fixed. But our deductible was too high so off to Lowe's to get replacement parts to mend it. We also asked the insurance company if they would consider paying for the removal of this tree as it was very close to the house and would be prone to more limb tossing. "...no we don't pay for preventative." So instead of paying a few hundred dollars they would opt to wait for the tree to do some damage and possibly pay up to several thousand and let's hope no one gets hurt. Brain Surgery! Well we cleaned up with the help of my brother from Australia and my husband's tenacious personality. No, my brother didn't fly all the way from down under just to help us. But during a planned visit he did roll up his sleeves and gave Chris a hand.

Well in July there was a sudden and brief storm that literally ripped through our property. I was so alarmed at the intensity and speed of the wind that came. I watched from my kitchen window as the 2 towering pines in the farther back yard bent and large massive limbs came barreling down landing in the field. I looked to my right and there was that Maple with it's largest limb or should I say half of the tree laying on the entire fenced pen and the dog house. The garage door window shattered and our metal roof banged up. I was so afraid to go and look out front. As I apprehensively looked out the front windows I was horrified to see a limb the size of a tree across the road. No one would be able to get by either way. Limbs were strewn all over. Trees fell in the woods also and across the tractor roads. In the words of my son Ethan, "Looks like someone was having tank practice." Leaves and limbs just littered the property.

Time to call the insurance company again. This time we were able to hire a crew to take down that maple plus the one looming towards the house out front. We had the guys cut them down and leave us the big logs for firewood. Chris and I are slowly getting those up and stacked for seasoning.

It is sad to see these extraordinary trees grow old (being well over 100 years old) and to fall so easily. They seem so majestic and steady but with old age they are weak and frail. These sweet maples have lived a good long life and served us well. Shade, leaves to rake into big piles for jumping in when the kids were little and a wonderful view when wanting to be quiet in the morning. Now we have plenty of firewood for our wood furnace for several years. We were not expecting such a supply so soon and that is how the Lord works. Knowing what we need and supplying it.

So the nest was not emptied here, the nest actually left. Next Spring we will not be seeing the birds nesting in the hollow cavities of this maple or hear the woodpeckers knocking for insects. But we know the Lord provides for all his creatures and they will move on to the next maple. The three trees after this one will eventually need to be removed as they are both dying and one is very hollow. The very last one is doing well and will probably last a few more years.

One thing I promise is that no matter how old I get or how far my children move away, the nest will always be here, in my heart.

Goals and the Gym

Well I have joined a gym/fitness center. Since I will be off of work for 7 weeks I thought this would be a great kick start to making a goal.

Our devotions this morning was titled What Is Success? It focused on Obadiah 1:2-7 the Key verse being Obadiah 1:3 The pride of your heart has deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rocks and make your home on the heights, you who say to yourself, "Who can bring me down on the ground?" The devotion suggested that we permit our energies to focus on the present and the future and not be hung up over the failures of the past. Freeing us to think positively on worthwhile goals. The Taking Action section gave points such as we could write a short statement regarding our purpose for life. Write down 2 goals for aspects of our life such as: Spiritual, professional, financial, family, home, leisure, & health. We discussed this and found that our goals are to take care of ourselves physically and also spiritually, to be good mentors to our adult children, encouraging them and being there whenever needed. Possibly starting a ministry in the future once we've conquered this hurdle ourselves.

As I said before I have joined a gym. My first day was very stressful. Not because of the gym itself or the people there. But because of my expectations of ME and how much I end up disappointing ME. For years I had been doing for others and taking care of these little people. Never really taking time out for myself. However for some odd reason I thought I was, when they would be in bed sleeping and I would collapse in front of the TV with a snack. I thought I was taking time for me when they would get on the bus for school and I would make another pot of coffee and have another muffin. Never taking into consideration that all this THEM time was taking a toll on my ME time. When ME time finally rolled around after all these years I realized that I was far behind and that a lot of work was needed to be able to enjoy life. I wouldn't trade all that THEM time for anything. I was so blessed and am still blessed to have them in my life. Nothing is more fulfilling then seeing my goals come to fruition from that half of my life. But now for the second half, what to do? I need new goals and realistic ones. I will never be a super model or be as strong as I was 30 years ago. But I can take care of myself and enjoy who I am.

The trainer reminded me that everyone working out at the gym are absorbed in their own me time. They are not focusing on anyone else but themselves. They are stingy of this time. This freed me tremendously and I am so ready for tomorrow's session.