Realizations

Finally realizing that we are empty nesters was when my husband Chris and I climbed upstiars to check out the closets to get an idea of how the new closet might look downstairs. Walking into the empty rooms was heart wrenching. One room was completely empty and had a hollow sound as we talked, while Ethan's was exactly how he left it when he went off to Air Force basic training in San Antonio, TX. The other room was kind of cozy with the trundle bed all made up nice and neat. Ben's things were out and just some random items hanging in the closet, one being Becky's wedding dress in it's protective garment bag.
When we purchased our home in 1996 it was the perfect size for our family. We moved in with our 3 children Ben 11, Becky 8, and Ethan 5 years old. Also 2 dogs, and a very old cat. The house has 3 bedrooms upstairs along with an office/computer room and a bathroom. Downstairs is the large living room, eat in kitchen, laundry room, bathroom, and our bedroom. Each child had their own room and a bathroom to share (no working shower, but a toilet and sink). I think back and I'm glad that the kids had this sanctuary upstairs. Mom never came up unless she was missing something, like the stapler, glue, tape, etc... where she would yell up first and if no one answered she would climb the stairs and be on the war path discovering the messy rooms, the bathroom with 1/2 inch thick dust and dried globs of toothpaste in the sink. Then everyone would have to start cleaning. But for the most part Mom left everyone alone up there. Once in awhile she would get into a conversation about the evils of the computer, how searching on google the word "poop" was not such a good idea and encouraging them to get along. This was their domain, their time to be themselves, no matter how warped they may seem to the average adult.
I would drive to work wondering "why I was so sad?" Most others I would talk to who were or were soon to be empty nesters were glad. They had waited for this time to arrive with an all-embracing eagerness. I thought I was ready. I really wanted to be ready. I didn't realize what I was up against. NOTHING! A big fat nothing. All the while I was a Mom, I was planning. Planning something whether it be births, potty training, birthday parties, parades, concerts, holidays, graduations, and weddings. I have no more planning, that's why I am sad. I don't want to anticipate the future because it is so random, with too many variables and I am not in control of those 3 people anymore. They each have gone off and are doing exactly what they want to do. Isn't that what I raised them to do, isn't that what I wanted them to do?